The other day a friend who shall remain anonymous (obvi!) called me over to her laptop. She'd decided to join the ranks of the online dating world the night before and wished to have me give my $0.02 on one of her more eager suitors. At first glance, cute-ish, a tad bit husky, prominent teeth that could be overlooked over time, perhaps. Then it hit me - I knew this guy, no not knew, I'd never met him, but this guy had harassed the life out of me for a period of two years because I had, at one time, made the mistake of giving him my phone number during one of my own virtual dating stints. He would randomly send texts or call repeatedly, with lines ranging from "I want to have your babies" to "I hope you fail the bar exam, get fired, and choke to death on a chicken bone you bitch." The latter, in response to me asking him to forget my number. After eventually threatening to contact my provider, he finally has left me alone for around three months now. Fingers crossed. After warning my aforementioned friend that she was dealing with a lunatic who belonged to several online dating sites, she thanked me for the information. Later that evening, she emailed this man about her connection to me and told him to move along. Apparently he flipped out and told her she was "doomed" for being my friend. Ahhh, I love being right.
I honestly believe in the online dating movement. I do. Especially in a vast, soulless metropolis like LA where the man who asks for you number at the grocery store is exponentially more awful than anybody you'd ever meet in a bar, where at 27 the men who hit on you are usually 57, where people are so jaded that by the second date they begin to negotiate the terms and conditions of the relationship, and where where an inquiry as to your plans for the evening is usually performed via (mass?) text. In such an environment, it is only natural to occasionally turn to the comforting arms of the online dating network, which promises you a shining sea of other open hearted singles, most with some form of income, transportation, and shelter, in which to cast your line. The odds are at least better, right? Perhaps not.
Unlike that friend of a friend who met his or her soul mate on Match.com and is still tanned and basking in the glow of a couple's retreat at some exotic locale, my experiences in the online dating world have overall been a bit disheartening. I consider myself knowledgeable on the subject, perhaps, sadly, a bit of an expert. I was dabbling in online dating in the Dark Ages of the Internet, when a mention of Craigslist was met with "Who's Craig?" and when Match.com was free, yes, FREE. What was meant as a joke, a post in the personals section of Craigslist back in 2000 when I was only 18, opened a door that would have better have remained shut. And dead-bolted. With several stainless steel Kenmore appliances stacked against it, bound in a roll of yellow hazard tape for good measure. This fateful post resulted in an inbox clogged with 500-odd emailed responses. I actually met up with one gentleman, whose attached jpg (of his face) made a blatant violation of the social taboo of online dating that was pretty damn pervasive at the time (come on, it's still not really that cool) welllllllll worth it. We met up at a Starbucks in the Financial District. He sauntered in, clad in a leather jacket with his motorcycle helmet under one arm. A former USC football player turned financier who still clung to the glory days, the only indication of his current age (34! I kind of almost choked on my latte) being a slightly thinning patch at the crown of his perfect head. An hour of mindless chatter and a platonic hug later, the whole Internet dating thing seemed pretty underrated in my opinion. When I opened my Inbox the next day to a number of forwarded salacious and oh-so-explicit emails between he and his naughty female co-worker accompanied by the note: "I want to help you explore your sexuality," on second thought...
I'd like to claim I had the good sense to let this scarring first experience frighten me off for good. But in life, I prefer to learn the hard way. Repeatedly. My second experience involved my date parking on the wrong side of the cliff when we went to watch the surfers compete at Mavericks on the coast. An hour later, I had hiked across slick, mollusk coated boulders in my stilettos as my date helpfully pawed me at every opportunity. He couldn't understand my sulking, but my marred Nine Wests felt my pain. I guess in hindsight I am lucky I wasn't hurled into the raging Pacific in my peep toes, although my date did enjoy getting to scream at me later because I cut the date short. Psycho.
One might like to think these first unfortunate experiences were due to the type of personality that engaged in online dating back at the turn of the century. Losers, right? Who else would risk the condemnation and embarrassment of having to admit "ummm, we met online." It could only get better. Four subsequent years were spent in a long-term relationship where I behaved myself. The several years after that were focused on champagne and the occasional law textbook. As online dating became more mainstream (even ok'd by the one and only Dr. Phil), I figured I may as well try again. Several of my friends were doing it. Actually, pretty much everybody who was single did it at one time or other. The others were probably closeted. After having tried, tried again, I have officially given up (for now). Much to my dismay, it would seem that, with rare exception, things have not improved over the past decade. In fact, it's worse because there exist several species of the Internet Dater that, over time, have refined their techniques all the better to manipulate you, my dear.
Should you succumb to the call of the online dating site, I must warn you, the following types of people do exist from my personal experience. Let this post at least make you at least proceed with a little bit of caution.
1. The Fetishist
This man (or woman) has resorted to online dating to find that special someone out there who is into _____. Perhaps it is a matter of killing several thousand birds with one stone, as finding that rare other person is more difficult without the tool of the online dating site. Or perhaps it's a matter of confidentiality, as being into ______ is something that The Fetishist would never want his friends and family to know about. The Fetishist is usually not exactly forthright about his interest(s) at first; he tends to lure you in with safe messages about musical preferences and current events. Then he begins to hint at what lies beneath. Whether it be something as passe as special adoration for feet or a more disturbing request for drinks followed by you stomping across him in your stilettos, fortunately you usually see the cat flying out of the bag before the first meeting. Sometimes you're not so lucky, and get a spank accompanied with a dose of baby talk in the middle of the bar.
2. The Former Date
This type of online dater is actually kind of a downer to encounter. Mind you, I have had my share of dates over the years, but I rarely forget a face. But occasionally you will be messaged by a man you once dated. Sometimes it is a man you went on several dates with. He won't remember you, at all. You can drop hints, he won't pick them up. Your ego will be bruised. You don't want to call him out, that's just awkward (and if you do, he blames it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol, which isn't much better). If you met him online, he is still using the same photographs he was using a year ago, even though a year ago he had not looked like his photographs for several years. If you met him in real life, it makes the universe feel very, very small.
3. The Player
I'm not a playah-hatah (ok, I am). Today's Player uses technology to his advatage. What formerly took a night of going out + money spent on drinks + spitting game, which, depending on his skill level, sometimes resulted in a frustratingly solo cab ride home, now only requires an online dating account and the ability to piece together a somewhat witty paragraph. His trademark is asking for your phone number IMMEDIATELY prior to any meaningful email exchange and suggesting some kind of date involving copious amounts of alcohol. Sometimes he will be more clever and book dinner reservations but ask if it's ok if the both of you run home to feed his dog first. When dinner reservations were for 9:00 and he picked you up at 6:30, you probably should have seen it coming. Careful of the glasses of red wine that were waiting on the coffee table, it's time to call a cab. The Player will often have a standardized message he sends out, much like a cover letter, with a few blanks for filling in personalized details. It's a time-saving technique, so little time, so many women, with 1,000s of new profiles each day!
4. The Angry Reject
The subject line of his message will usually be an insult to "get your attention." His message will be short but sweet, maybe a little bit creepy, often containing a line of self deprecation or two. If you don't reply, you will incur his wrath. He is just waiting to unleash his frustration on you. He will call you colorful names which usually include whore, slut, stuck-up-bitch, and the like. He often has multiple accounts on the site under different aliases. If you block one, don't think he won't be back for more. If you play the nice card, be prepared to explain over and over again why women are evil. I don't know any more about that than why men are bastards, both of those are filed under my life's mysteries.
5. The Eternal Optimist
This guy was on Match.com back in 2000 with me, and he's kept his account ever since. He messaged you then, he'll message you now. He always seems to know when fresh meat has signed up within 10 miles of his zip code between the ages of 21 and 35. He will message you, usually within 24 hours of your account activation. You've seen him on Match, Plentyoffish, Jdate, he's everywhere. During his various offline relationships, he keeps his account active, but just doesn't log in out of respect for his relationship. He never gives up, he never stops trying, he allocates a percentage of his monthly income to his various online dating accounts and he looks forward to hearing from you.
6. The Wife Hunter
Ahhh, you thought this type only existed in female form. You are mistaken. Just as bountiful as the Husband Hunter but less talked about is the Wife Hunter. He has an agenda, he is looking for a wife, he has a timeline, too, he's hit his mid-30s and he wants to placate his mom. His timeline is usually six months to a year. And he wants babies too, he'll mention that a lot. Usually he has a picture of himself holding a drooling, unibrowed niece or nephew among his carefully selected gallery. He loves kids! If you begin to date the Wife Hunter, he will immediately begin to change you. You will be on a regimented plan, the future Mrs. Wife Hunter does not fill bathtubs with ice and vodka, nor does she weigh an ounce over 120 pounds. She is always perfectly coiffed while sitting at home on a Friday night, and receives a set of Rosetta Stone CDs as a thoughtful gift to help bridge the language gap between her and her future in-laws. She meets her future in-laws within a month. Dinner at home. They spin her around like a race horse and discuss her flaws and breeding potential loudly in a language she does not understand as she stabs at a congealed mystery food that she must eat or risk offending her hosts. If you are looking for a serious relationship, it is only natural to mention marriage and children in conversation within a reasonable number of dates - the generic "where do you see yourself and what do you want" discussion. Just be cautious of the Wife Hunter, if a month in you find yourself declining a night at the Roosevelt in order to study Hebrew, you might want take a step back.
7. The Poet
If you find a poem in your inbox, do the following: delete + block. Anybody who takes the time to compose a lengthy poem for purposes of online dating (as the first approach) should be avoided. His name is Alan.
I know this post is very cynical, but it's meant to be. I know there are great people on online dating sites, I've met a few, but they're no fun to write about, right? I hope all of you had a wonderful Thanksgiving! And a random side note, Angels and Demons (the movie) wasn't that bad. Not as good as the book, but I kind of liked it (sorry!).
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