Shake It

Mother earth appears to be going through menopause. Or as the loyal flock of my favorite clairvoyant pessimist, Nostradamus bleats in unison, 2012, armageddon, 2012, armageddon!! I'm talking, of course, about the seemingly unusual amount of seismic activity occuring this year.

It's not as bizarre as you might think. Each year the planet averages approximately 7 earthquakes that are at least 7 pointers.

One of my most vivid childhood memories is that of the Loma Pieta earthquake. October 1989, I was a cheeky second grader who roamed about in lace dresses with a ponytail that moved back and forth like a pendulum with my every step. I was staying with a friend at the time. The earthquake measured 6.9 on the richter scale. The glass windows shattered. Bookshelves rocked. My friend's mother, a professional potter, witnessed years of work dissolve into jagged puzzle pieces of glazed ceramic. Fifteen seconds of pure terror. Ever since, even the faintest seismic murmur sends me into a state of panic.

Enough about me. Here are a few pointers for the next big one:

1) If you're in bed, stay there. Yes, that's right. You get to kick back and relax under fluffy down feathers while the world falls apart. Just grab a pillow to serve as the world's most ineffective shield, should something made of cement, steel or wood decide to come crashing down. But this is according to the experts. And it's the best way to go anyways, except for maybe a hot tub.

2) Don't even think about running outside. Ok, I'll admit I'm guilty of this. During a 4 pointer in 2003 I ran down four flights of stairs and out into the street. It's tempting. In the middle of the street there isn't much to fall on you, except perhaps a tree or power line. But think about it - how long do earthquakes last? 15 seconds? Maybe 20? How long does it take you to get out of the building? Probably about that time. Your clever getaway might save you from a second or two of indoor anguish, but if the building is going to implode on your head, you aren't going to get out before it does, even in your best Nikes. So resist the urge.

3) Locate a sturdy piece of Ikea furniture (ha) and get under it and grab it. Then pray you put it together correctly. And pray in general. Fervently.

4) Stay away from windows, bookshelves, fifty pound mounted oil paintings in carved wood frames, crystal chandeliers, giant glass saltwater aquariums filled with eels. Duh.

5) If the ceiling happens to be crumbling, lie down face down next to a bigass piece of furniture. If anything falls on you, you might get lucky and have it hit the bigass piece of furniture first, leaving you uncrushed in a cozy triangle of space, kind of like having your own secret fort.

6) It is recommended that you have non-perishible food, water, a radio, cell phone, first aid kit, flares, flashlight, face mask, North Face jacket, Nextel, and of COURSE, a whistle. Get a cute whistle that also supports a good cause at http://www.fallingwhistles.com.