Your Daily Rant 1/6/10

"They had a Christmas tree, but where was the menorah? The lack of Jewish representation is insane, I mean come on. Or at least call it the holiday tree." This conversation is between two women. One I don't notice much aside from her collection of fabric scrunchies she uses to hold up her two inches of stunted blonde hair. The other, the speaker here, laughs with every sentence with pendular predictability. Either concurrent with or immediately flowing her every utterance is a habitual chortle, usually four measures in length followed by a strong inhalation of air, as reliable as and false as the canned audience laughter in a terrible sitcom episode. She ends this statement no differently: "Or at least call it the holiday tree. Hueh heah heah heah! Heeeeeeh." I am undecided if it's the laugh or the fact that they are talking about Farmville that upsets me more.

Farmville. Onions are apparently "lucrative crops." Cherries, not so much. I am baffled by the flame so many carry for this ridiculous Facebook game. It is the current form of the Nano Pet. Remember those? LCD key chain pets from Asia that beeped in agony if you forgot to pet or feed them. I can't remember which one I reared, it was probably a dinosaur that died within a few days. Just dumb.

I will never join Farmville. My virtual gameplaying is limited to the occasional crossword. I fear online games. They tend to slowly latch onto your heart and sole like wet bubblegum. Soon you find yourself watering your Farmville orchard and feeding your Farmville cattle instead of joining me for dollar tacos at Don Antonio's. You may think I'm being dramatic, I suppose maybe I'm still scarred from my misadventure in Second Life.

Some of you may recall, once I dared to delve in Second Life, an online virtual world complete with pretty much everything, including a currency that can be exchanged for dollars. Millions are for the taking in Second Life. I joined this community for work research one summer. Exploration of this world is achieved by double clicking coordinates on a map to teleport to your designation. After wandering about a park canopied by cherry blossoms, I randomly clicked the map to change location. I wound up on an island largely populated by raccoons and squirrels. Cute but weird, I double clicked the map again. Nothing happened. I asked a raccoon from Finland why I couldn't leave the island. Apparently the Second Life servers were experiencing problems. In other words, I was trapped. I asked where I was. "It's called Nympho Island" my furry companion informed me. Ok. An island of furry creatures dedicated to sex addicts. I was propositioned several times as I scurried around in a blind panic, but fortunately for me I had not purchased the genitalia required for virtual copulation with a raccoon.

Apparently people are experiencing issues logging into Farmville today. The conversation continues. They joke it's taking over their lives. Farming, says scrunchie girl, will take place tonight then. I get it, it's kind of fun, kind of addictive. But balance is key, lest you find yourself a sexually frustrated woodland creature. That is definitely bottom of the barrel.