First Date Rules

It's one of the current trending topics on Twitter, and as such I have to throw in my wholesome and sage advice for the purposes of boosting my readership. Groveling for hits. What can I say. But it isn't such a bad topic of discussion. Earlier, I drafted a post on executive gifts, i.e. wind-up sushi rolls and mini billiards sets for the desk. Sorry, sometimes the well doth run dry, especially on 5 1/2 hours of sleep.

Rule #1: No "Dutch Courage"
A term originating during the Anglo-Dutch wars of the 17th century as an insult against the Dutch, who were propagandized to only have the courage to fight when boozing it up, it is easy to see how it could easily apply to the dating scene. Going on a first date is quite like going into battle - you can use intelligence to strategize a plan, but ultimately you can never prepare for every contingency. That cute physician's assistant you met in line for paninis at Whole Foods might initially seem harmless, then on your first date suddenly comes bomb number one - he is a recovering meth addict. Bomb number two - he was in prison for two years for distributing ecstacy tablets. You try not to choke on your half-chewed spear of asparagus and manage a feeble, "that's ok" as you look around the table for your white flag. Of course this is the point when you wish you were shitfaced. If you're any kind of dating veteran, you might at this point be in the habit of taking a shot (or two) before a first date, perhaps popping the trunk of your car to take a swig or two out of a bottle of Absolut before pensively approaching the designated battlefield. But you shouldn't. Unless you're dating in order to collect material for a screenplay (as one of my dates was, asshole), you are probably dating in order to find somebody you might consider seeing again. The odds of your date wanting to see YOU again are lowered if you use your trunk as a mobile liquor cabinet, unless you are one of those lucky few who acts completely normal when buzzed or drunk (hate you). Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you shouldn't drink on dates. I am just saying it doesn't make the best first impression when you stumble up to your date with glassy eyes and rosy cheeks, smelling of eau de vodka before the night has even begun.

Rule #2: Watch What You Eat
Avoid the following: large sushi rolls, spaghetti, burritos, club sandwiches, buffalo wings, soup, garlic fries, shellfish, curry. When your date gazes across the table at you, he or she does not want to witness a burrito defacating all over your plate and lap. When your date speaks to you, he or she does not want to have to wait as you signal with your hands and struggle to swallow a mammoth mound of rice and raw eel. When your date leans in for that first kiss, he or she does not want to be greeted with the fragrance of curry, onions, or garlic. A lot of restaurants post menus online so you can plan ahead.

Rule #3: Keep Your Baggage To Yourself
On a first date, avoid discussing past destructive relationships, substance or physical abuse, sad tales from childhood, or your love-hate relationship with food. Your date knows all of this might exist to some extent, we all have some amount of baggage, but your date is not a member of the FAA asking to see the contents of your carry-on. And if he or she is asking you about these things, beware. If your date wants to know all about your most awful, personal drama then he or she is guaranteed to one-up you in that department and is merely searching for a segue into a confession of his or her own loathesome secrets.

Rule #4: No Texting, No Calls
If you text or pick up calls on your first date, you are an asshole.

Rule #5: Kiss
Why wouldn't you kiss on the first date? Too intimate? We're not 14 here, I'm guessing you're somewhere between the double digits and triple digits (as far as kissing) at this point if you're anywhere near my age and went through a period of excessive binge drinking 4 nights a week. Weed out the slobbering tounge-thrusters or serial peckers in the most time and cost efficient manner.

Rule #6: Don't Head Back to His/Her Place Unless You Are Prepared To Just Do It
"Want to head back to my place and just have a glass of wine and talk, no pressure? I just want to get to know you better." Translation: "Wanna head back to my place and have half a bottle of wine and DO IT?" Be real. Ignore reality, and you wind up ending the night with a pissed off date who calls you a tease as you storm out the front door with your things. Unfortunately you forgot your favorite earrings on the coffee table. You'll never see them again. And they were really cute.

What are your do's and don't's for the first date?